Silent Suffering Part 1/3

I wasn't going to write about this because it's something that I've never wanted talk about.  Last night I had an eye opening discussion with one of my best friends and this journal will document everything that happened in my middle school and high school years.

When I left elementary school, it was time to go to middle school.  My mother had a talk with one of her friends and told her about a Christan academy that offered the best education in the city.  I didn't know how to react because that meant making new friends, while my elementary school friends moved on to another school.  I was nervous on the first day and was very unsure of myself.  I met a couple of guys and they welcomed me with open arms and I thought to myself this wasn't going to be bad after all.  How wrong I was because the next day, that's when the bullying and harassment began.  I was a big kid back then and had acne and very dark skin, both of the guys began calling me blubber, and if you don't know what that is, it's the fattest part of the whale and seal.  I had acne on my face so they called me connect the dots,  my skin complexion was very dark and they called me Dark Man. I was never treated this way before and it was shock to the system, name calling in some people's opinions aren't that bad but in my case being sensitive I wanted to cry because those names hurt.  This happened every day and teacher was either not paying attention or just didn't care I wasn't sure.  I didn't tell my mother because I thought if I ignored and built a tough skin it'll go away, it didn't and it only got worse.  I've never felt so alone in my life and the constant tensing and name calling was bothering me and I couldn't take it any longer and even though I tried to block it out I couldn't and my grades began to fall, things that I enjoyed doing wasn't bringing me joy and that's when I began to eat to cope with my feelings.  On the bad days I would order the biggest burger on the menu at McDonald's and eat every bite because I felt better after eating.  On the worse days I would tell my mom that I couldn't go to school because I was depressed about my grandma who had died who I was really close too.  The fact was I had all this pain and there was no way to release it,  every day was a struggle and soon my grades fell from A's and B's to C's D's and F's.  

One particular incident I remember very well, there was this really cute girl in my class and I wanted to talk to her.  One person who I thought was my friend was her brother and I told him about liking his sister, that was a huge mistake that I regret to this day.  She told her and when she arrived in class the next day, she stood up in front of the class and said "guess what the ugliest boy in class likes me" she looked at me and said like I would ever go out with you and walked away.  The entire class burst out laughing and I wanted to curl up in a ball and just cry but I couldn't in front of the class.  That afternoon I ran to my room and finally cried for hours on my bed, needless to say I ate so much food that I had a stomach ache the next day.  I stopped doing my homework and my grades were near failing so my mom gave me a beating and the the first time I didn't cry I was completely numb.

During the middle of the year I had a break down and told my mom everything that was happening but since it was in the middle of the year I couldn't transfer so I would have to stay until the school year ended and to add insult to injury since my grades were so low that I'll have to attend summer classes while the bullies enjoyed their summer vacation.  The truth about the school was revealed when my mom did some research on the school herself and found out that the Christian academy was a school for students that have been expelled from normal school for their behavior.  I don't blame my mom for sending me to that school she acted on the information she had and this person who told here about the school was a trusted friend. I finally left that school after I passed my summer classes and I transfered to another school but had no idea the helm that waited for me there.

End of Silent Suffering Part One.

This journal entry is based on the bullying that I suffered during my school years.  I still have two years of middle school and high school left to go,  I'm not writing these entries for sympathy, but to finally heal and move on with my life so I can finally be happy.